I don’t know how to describe how my life been recently: but i guess I could use the word hectic. I been wanting to write more and tell you all about it but I been so exhausted recently; both emotionelly and physically. So everytime I came home from work I usually crashed in bed and felt very unsocial.
My new job:
So I have now been working for roughly one month. It’s been great. More than great to be honest. I been loving the two middle schools I been at, as a school librarian. They teachers are very welcoming, the principles are very helpful and wanting to improve the libraries they today have. But I can feel the tension from the fact that the person before me might now have given a good standard.
Which is fine and everyone at the schools are happy with just the Little things I do because they feel like they never got any support or help from the librarian Before me. I find this rather sad and I been working really hard to build up a good working schedual where the teachers and the school feel like they get what they pay for.
Maybe I didnt have to do all the things I been doing and working myself over the edge. But at the same time I feel like if we have a good ground and standard and I have all the job ready to just use: the years after will be easier. Maybe I can’t plan Everything out but I can plan all the bigger events and activities out. This will also give a more free hand to do spontanious things.
Been struggling with the question about the economics. I cant get all the bills to add up with what they say been used. I Think someone been using my school budget for something else than what it was suppost to have been but my boss dont seem super keen on looking into it. Its rather frustrating because the schools media is lacking, a lot, and they need more books on the shelfs. Atleast more recent books, the kids cant find anything new and Always see the same old stuff. That will not make them want to read……
I will check into the possibility to ask for some Money from the Culture department. To atleast boost the libraries a tiny bit in the right direction.
My love life:
This is a shameful spot in my life recently and the reason why im so emotionally exhausted. The ex who broke up with me a Little over a year ago have been stayinga round me and giving me hope and a Little faith that maybe we will get back together anyway. Long story short that wasnt the case and its been draining me extremly.
I been having my door open for him and I been clear what I wanted and that I wanted answers from him. Everytime I asked something he didnt like he would just ignore me or leave me hanging until a couple weeks/Days later when he wanted something off of me and I apperently was needed again.
Stupid and trusting as I been i been losing both sight of myself and a lot of Money.
The biggest shame I feel was probebly over the fact that I been protecting him infront of otehr people around me who been bad mouthing him and I been forcing them to take all the bad things they been saying about him back. Especially my parents who also helped him with Money thanks to my Words and begging.
I been very ashamed to tell my parents the truth about how i been treated and where the Money they gave him Went. I recently did open up to my mom and we had a big talk about it after I broke down at my job last week. We decided that we should all in my family block him on all social media and not answer him at all.
I told my mom about all the stuff he had that belonged to me, both stuff but also Money. Mom told me we shouldnt press any charges against him and that we should just move on in our life. That he isnt Worth our time and energy anymore. Which I guess is true.
I just dont understand how a person can be so rotten and use other people for Money and things. I just wanted my stuff back and to move on.
Been trying to move on, which I been for a year now. Its hard for me to trust others at this moment. But I’m trying. Sadly apps like Tinder just makes me lose faith even more in guys.
Penpals and erotic novels?
Everything creative in my life have been taking a tool because of how i been feeling emotionelly. I haven’t been sending as much letters out and most penpals have been super understanding. But some really haven’t. I will see this as their true colors. So I been loosing around 5 penpals.
I can’t ay i feel like i lost my fav penpals though considering these mostly wanted stuff from me and wrote the smallest letters I have ever seen. I write to people to learn about them and their intrestes and how they have it in their countries…..not to feel like i need to send them all my stickers and washi tape in fear of them leaving me. Funny enough they did leave me in the end.
I dont want to be a person others walk all over and I feel like i been that person for a very long time. I Think its good that Im very understanding, loving, loyal and Always consider others above myself. But I Think I need to start thinking about me too. Im important as well and I know I say that a lot but I need to start doing it as well.
When it comes to my Writing and my erotic novels, I Think you can gather that I havent felt it for a long time to write about it. I did write one short storie about a girl feeling desperate to be loved and at the same time not thinking she was Worth the love she was given so no matter who loved her she would take it. Falling inlove with a married man and not feeling like she deserved more than being number two in his life. It do have erotic scenes but I cant say its steamy and hot xD
The Winter is coming slowly and it makes me truly happy. I been longing for the Cold and the snow. It truly is my favorit time of the year. So I will try my best to regain confidence in myself. Loving myself and starting to feel happy in my life.
He is and should be 100% out of my life and even though my heart wants one thing I know in my brain it’s not what i need. He was and will Always be bad news and I hope with my whole heart to never hear or see from him again.
Sorry for all the emotional talk xD But I needed to get it off my chest and explain in what a limbo hell I been in this past year. I have had times when I thought “its fine now!” but then he Always changed his mind and used the open door to run back and forward. I even sometimes felt like I didnt deserve a better relationship than this (if you even can call it that). In all my past relationships I Always been used, both for Money but also other things. Where are all the good guys or is it me that the problem is with?
What do you do when you are in a creative slump?
Any Autumn tips?