Rise Up Diaries ~ 10 August 2019

Hey everyone, again i been away for a while. It’s been everything really: migraines and pain on one side and a broken heart on another. I did try to make it work with my ex and for us to move on from both our mistakes in the past.

I’m not wanting to talk to much about it and I don’t want to talk badly about anyone because when it doesn’t work in a relationship its always two sides to the story. But I think i’m a to nice person. I give people hundreds of chances and I believe their words of changing even though they told me the same things multiple times. In the end I feel like even if I was mistreated I was enabling the behavior to continue because I never stood up for myself or my own worth.

I was also scared of being alone. With me being in pain I can’t take a backlash or something to emotional to well. It stresses me out and having a broken heart and physical pain isn’t optimal. But sometimes I have to look at me and the future too. I felt like I was okey with all his behavior if he only stood by me when I truly needed him; like when I was in pain and just wanted to hear his voice, tell me it would be all okey. But he stopped answering my calls.

Long distance relationships are hard and it been harder for me considering he lived here for 3 years and we only recently split. So to try but on a distance when I’m used to him always being around felt hard.

I was of course not an angel all the time and could be very accusing and hard on him when he broke his promises. But a relationship should be a two way street and it felt very one sided with me saying sorry a lot even though I wasn’t the bad guy most of the time.

So this week I been trying to take care of myself and thinking about me. I also sent all his things back even if it cost me a lot of money. This way I feel like I have really truly ended it here and I can start a real life for myself.

Some people need a couple of times to learn, I seem to need to get hurt 100 times before I realize it’s not going to work out. I’m to tired to try with this one person again. I haven’t heard much from him since I broke it off. Which kinda of makes me sad because it kinda feels like he might not care. But I know at the same time he isn’t a heartless person but he don’t like sharing his emotions with others.

I just never understood that when I asked him to talk to me, not ignore my calls for days, just be around when it suited him and just be around more; he decided that I seemed upset so leaving me to cool down for a couple more days alone was a good idea. Me wanting to break up (when it ofc isn’t what i truly wants considering i still love him but my head says something else at this point) he is nowhere to be found.

He was suppose to come visit me these weeks, he was suppose to be here. I’m not blaming him but did he never listen when I cried out, wanting him by my side?

This heart break have massively effected my creativity. I can’t draw nor can I come up with romantic erotica novels to write. Dumping the love of your life doesn’t really give you inspiration.

I hope I feel better soon and can start living the life I want for myself. I also hope I can start working again daily so I don’t have to walk around at home staring at my phone, waiting for something I know won’t come or change a thing.

Sorry for this emotional babbling, I needed to write it off my chest for now.

/Elin

Published by Elin's Era

I'm a former Swimmer, after getting nerve damage in my jaw I started coaching instead while going to the university. I studied Librarianship and information science. After I graduated I became and librarian. This is the best job and I love it. I have been to different kind of libraries and been different kind of librarians. But I settled down as a middle school librarian. I like helping children find their reading passion. I read daily and will write about everything I think about. Good books, bad books...any book really.

18 thoughts on “Rise Up Diaries ~ 10 August 2019”

  1. Amaefuleprecious says:
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    The pain comes in handy after every breakup you never saw coming. It is even more excruciating when you realize that you’ve tries to fix this brokenness too often but it always ripped from another angle which makes you wonder what you didn’t do right of could have done right. I felt this devastation when I broke up with my ex in 2017. I couldn’t believe it was happening so I spent all of my 2018, going on and off with him, trying to fill the loopholes because I didn’t want to take a no for an answer. Looking back now, that was the lowest I’ve ever felt yet. You’ll gradually get him off your chest but you just have to heal from the hurt first because only then can you make decisions of completely ousting him in its entirety. Sending you hugs💕

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  3. Clara Nyström says:
    Reply

    Sorry you having such a rough time, hopefully it will get better soon 😔. Even if you feel heartbroken and sad now I think you made the right choice this time. You need your strength for yourself now. I hope and believe when you start your new job it will feel a bit better, a fresh start and so. Please continue to uppdate the blog when you feel ok doing so, not because of any other persons expectation. Hugs! 💕💕💕

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Jonathan Oyola says:
    Reply

    I understand how much it sucks to feel the relationship-related things you’re feeling. (I can’t say the same about the physical pain which sounds awful too.) At different points in my life when I’ve been in similar situations, I wanted answers, be that through books or finding likeminded people. I realize one can never have a complete answer though but at least have an answer that’s good enough. I’m including links below that you might find as helpful as I did; however, my sharing them is in no way trying to label you as anything other than someone looking for meaning.

    https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/

    http://www.coda-se.se/

    https://www.slaa.se/

    Liked by 1 person

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